assalamualaikum .
Ibu dan ayah yang kakak sayang . Tak sangka ini jadinya kat keluarga kita .. Ibu dan ayah tahu , dah 2 tahun kita tiada gambar raya bersama macam keluarga orang lain . Kakak paling jealous bila tengok orang lain ada gambar raya sekeluarga, kakak tahu adik pun rasa camtu ,tapi kami buat taktahu sebab kami tanak ibu dan ayah sedih tengok kami sedih.
Adik masih lagi tertekan walau dia selalu buat tak endah, kakak masih lagi menangis dalam gelap sampai sekarang . Kami tanak orang simpati dengan kami , i hate that look in their eyes .
I know semua orang harap kakak kuat . Semua . Ibu , Ayah , Nenek , Atuk ,Pakcik dan Makcik.. But i guess i am still a girl , i am still a daughter and i am just 20 years old girl yet everybody expect me to be a matured 30 years old lady . Do you know how much it takes to hide my tears? to bear the feeling being abandon? to fake everything even my smile ? to act all happy when i am not?
Kadang kadang kakak terfikir, if i am not exist , will it be any differences? if i did not pursue medicine , will our family be a complete puzzle? Is it my fault ibu? ayah? Is it because of me that both of you become like this?
Ayah dengan ibu selalu cakap 'Walau apa pun berlaku , kakak dengan adik tetap anak ayah dengan ibu' . Is it? Is there any love left for us ayah? or it is just an obligation? Is there any place left for us ibu? since ayah is your everything? You know what? All my friends said i am lucky enough since i have my own car, big house , and i can get what i want , i have everything.. But, seems they are wrong , hati kakak macam padang pasir .. Pantang ada bunga berkembang, pasti layu semula .
Ibu ingat tak ibu pernah cakap, "kakak ingat family dia boleh terima kakak yang datang dari broken family tu?" . You know how much i feel inferior to myself ?. Ayah tahu betapa ayah dah buat kakak takut dengan lelaki? Bila kakak nak pilih teman hidup, i always make you as my indicator . That time , i feel that you are the best man i have that can't be replaced . And now? what i should i believe in , ayah? i have no parent's fairytale to look up..to proud of like my friends do..Do you know how afraid am i to love? to the person i love? to the feeling of being abandoned?
Do both of you know that we are jealous with our friends? Can you feel our hearts? Can you know how much we want four of us be back together? laugh together? if you want me to give up medicine , to give up the things i adore or even my life .. i will give to you as long as four us are together..just..for us . will you?
No comments:
Post a Comment