8/26/2014

A Test


Experience.

Either it is sweet or bitter, it will be a lesson to learn.





Alhamdulillah, last Saturday, I was safely arrived in Malaysia.
I thought I can finally meet my youngest brother, Iman. But, he’s not there.
I felt weird, because Ayah already promised me that he will bring Iman together with them, I just keep my curiosity inside.
Later, Ayah told me, Iman’s mother brought Iman somewhere else, escaping Ayah so that Ayah will never meet Iman. From his face, I know, he is disappointed,resenting Iman’s mother for not giving him a chance to meet his own son. In a month, only once, Iman sleepover at Ayah’s place. Itupun sebab Iman demam.

Around 2am, because of my jetlag, I woke up and Ayah asked me to accompany him to find Iman’s whereabout and we found out he is at his granny’s house.
Sunday’s afternoon, we went to their house again to get Iman. Aku salam semua orang, Ayah pun, and asked to have Iman sleepover at our place for only one night. Aku nampak mak dia macam susah nak bagi, and you know what, me, the egoist me, standing infront their door, merayu, menangis minta izin. Aku dah tak fikir apa, sebab aku pernah sekali je jumpa Iman, tu pun masa dia umur sebulan, sekarang dia dah nak masuk 14 bulan. Aku dah tak kira malu ke ego ke keras kepala ke apa, aku buang semua. At last, his mom gave her permission, but she wants to follow us. That time, Ayah suruh aku masuk kereta cepat2 sebab tanak bagi dia ikut. Takkan nak bawa dia, nanti apaje aku boleh buat? Just tengok jelah kan?

After 5min driving, Suddenly ade orang macam crash our car from behind, her mother’s younger brother! Pakai motor. Dia nak try block kereta kitorang, siap tendang2 bagai, ayah try nak escape tapi tak lepas, masa tu aku duduk depan, aku dah menggigil menangis sambil dukung Iman. At last dia dapat block kereta kitorang, sampai jam jalan tu sambil jerit2 cakap kitorang ambil budak. Irony isn’t it? That budak is actually my father’s legal son, my brother yang Ayah tak jumpa dekat 4hari sebab dibawa lari and aku sendiri pernah jumpa sekali sahaja.

Then, orang sekeliling suruh settle kat balai, Ayah gave up and we went to the nearest police station. Masuk2 je terus Ayah masuk bilik with me and kluarkan i/c polis and suruh anggota situ buat full report. After a while, that woman came with her parents and her youngest daughter. She tried to take Iman back but Ayah tak bagi. Bila diorang kena pergi belakang, aku duduk kat lobi balai sebelah mak dia. Aku just zikir banyak2,air mata aku memang dah tak reti stop. Aku dengar je suara sumbang adik perempuan tu tapi aku buat tak kisah. Why should I?

Lepas tu perempuan tu keluar dari belakang pastu ajak aku masuk bilik sebab nak cakap dengan aku. Dia cakap la aku boleh jumpa ambil Iman tapi without my mom, then aku cakap, selama sebulan ni, even without my mom pun, ayah still tak dapat jumpa pun,. Dia kata ini soal hati then aku try nak potong cakap dia tetiba dia tengking aku suruh aku diam and dengar cakap dia, aku tetiba exploded bila dia kata macam tu, Aku naik suara, “No! Aunty dengar dulu cakap saya, Aunty nak cakap pasal hati aunty je, hati saya?  Aunty panggil mak saya perempuan haram tapi saya tak pernah tak hormat aunty!” dia terus terdiam and suddenly cakap that is my father’s scheme to make us fight each other, come on liar! Try harder next time! Mesej2 dia masuk masa tu kitorang tengah makan luar kat Angsana, ayah kat sebelah,ibu kat depan aku sebelah ijat. Tak sempat aku balas, ayah masuk bilik tu dengan seorang Sarjan. Ayah cakapla yang selama ni dia sara family perempuan tu tapi sampai hati hak dia sebagai bapa dinafikan, pastu tetiba perempuan tu cakap ayah berzina, padahal my parents dah nikah balik lama, and that woman knows this fact.

Ayah bagi aku kunci CRV suruh aku drive bila report polis siap untuk coverage tuntutan hak penjagaan . Ayah bagi Iman kat perempuan tu, then pergi kat kereta perempuan tu, Alza, which Ayah yang belikan atas nama ayah,Ayah adeje kunci spare kereta tu, bila ayah start je enjin kereta tu, mak perempuan tu suruh diorang keluarkan barang2 dalam kereta tu. Habis bersepah, at the same time, ayah dimaki habis-habisan dengan family perempuan tu. Bila perempuan tu try nk tarik ayah aku driver’s seat, kepala Iman terhantuk sikit kat pintu, Ayah nampak, ayah terus matikan enjin takut, Iman tercedera kalau dok sambung lagi gaduh.

When ayah walked to our car, perempuan tu bukak pintu kat driver’s seat, which ada aku! Dia try nak tarik aku keluar, Aku jerit “Saya tanak ikut aunty,aunty maki mak saya!” then bapak dia tarik dia. Ayah take over driver seat sebab aku dah menangis macam apa, but then, that woman blocked our car for a while before bapak dia tarik dia. After that, kitorang singgah masjid untuk solat Zohor and buat sujud syukur.


Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. Aku bersyukur, walau kami diuji dengan situation macam ni, aku syukur walau dimaki, ayah aku tak maki balik diorang semua, sebab hormat, walau ibu dalam kereta boleh je keluar nak retaliate balik, tapi ibu zikir, doa banyak2 dalam kereta. Even aku dengar orang maki parents aku, aku masih boleh sabar, boleh zikir, boleh jaga akhlak. It’s really a bless for us to not lower our akhlak in the worst situation.

Aku syukur, Alhamdulillah after 3tahun doa, airmata, tersungkur aku, Allah buka hijab and tunjukkan perangai sebenar perempuan tu and family dia depan ayah sekaligus sedarkan ayah. Sekarang ni tinggal proses penceraian and tuntutan hak penjagaan kat mahkamah and kalau diperlukan, aku kena pergi mahkamah tinggi sebagai saksi. Aku harap sangat kes hak penjagaan Iman tu kitorang menang, aku taknak adik aku hidup dalam family tu.

Yes, I’m broken. Aku macam gelas pecah yang aku kutip balik untuk aku sambung balik sikit demi sikit. But I become stronger in heart to face all these test from Allah. Aku belajar menghargai keluarga, aku belajar betulkan akhlak aku, aku belajar bersabar, aku belajar untuk tak dependace on people but only in Allah. Aku masih jauh dari menjadi hamba yang sempurna, tapi aku akan cuba berubah walaupun aku perlu merangkak ke arah syurga.     Thank you Allah  . Thank you for everything  .

6/27/2014

85








I thought everything is gonna be okay after they remarried .

I’m a fool to think that love can stand stronger even after they are tested.

I’m a fool to try to believe true love exist . Again.

Why am I so useless?

Why I can’t help them?

It’s hurt me when people keep blaming him for everything.

It’s hurt me when people keep pointing fingers at me when I’m on his side .

Don’t they remember?

In the first place, I’m their daughter. HERS & HIS .

How can I abandon one of them?

Being like this, trapped between two people who I love dearly, I feel like ripping of my heart .

So, that I can’t feel a thing when they crushed me in the middle .

Even I’m crushed, without a heart, I still can walk around, going through every single day masking my face with a smile , can i?




I love you both, please don’t let me rip my own heart . I beg you .






5/16/2014

84



*deep breath*









Recently, my feelings are content enough to make me lazying around not writing anything. Haha.

Thanks to Allah, because  of His Grace, Alhamdulillah , on 4th May 2014, my parents are married again!!! *tears*. At first, I was like, what?? Is this kind of a prank or what? Then my mum sent me a proof picture, and my face expression suddenly brighten up and I was dancing on my seat . FYI, I am in my class. Ha, who cares~~ My heart is full.

Although, everything does not smoothen yet but everything has fall into their place, my parents, my depression, my confident, my trust towards other people, and almost everything. Hmmm, it feels like, someone throw me a ball directly to the face. Hard, until I fell, and I learn to stand up, pick up the ball, bounce it anddd shoot it! It took me 3years though, but it’s okay, it’s just a process for me to grow up and learn the way of life .

Now, It is time for me to think about me, my life .
I just want to increase my level of Iman, enjoy the moment with my family, find the right one and keep on smiling as Dunya is a temporary stop for us before going to the permanent life, right?

4/25/2014

Lewat





Untuk kau,
Untuk aku,
Lewat untuk kita,

Sudah lewat untuk kita mencari kanvas putih,
Mencorak menjadi lukisan masa hadapan,

Bertahun aku berdiri sendiri,
Menunggu kau,
Bila kau mahu hulurkan tangan kasih kau?
Tertanya adakah aku tiada dalam pandanganmu,
Ternanti bila langkah kau akan menghala kearah aku?

Sekarang,
Segalanya sudah lewat,
Mawar putih yang aku pegang menanti kau- -
Gugur satu persatu,

Aku harap kau akan cari aku,
Pada hayat yang lain,
Aku harap kau untuk aku,
Selamanya .

Run



Something’s wrong with me,

I’m running from you,
I’m hiding from you,
I’m pushing you away,

Because I’m afraid,

Your love is as much as the sea,
And I’ve only have these two hands to embrace it,
Those overflowing affection- -
I’m afraid,
One day, the sea will dry up,
And I’ll be the one with overflowing love,
Alone---

Being abandoned---
Is what I afraid the most,
That’s why,
I’m running as hard as I can,
Before you are alive inside of my heart .